I had a bad dream...or was it good? I can't tell

I had a dream that I went to sleep on Jan 13, 2011 and woke up on Jan 14, 2001 in the hospital after my car accident. I had complete knowledge of the "missing" ten years and no idea why I was back in 2001.

Most people would be ecstatic at the possibility of improving their lives by not making the same mistakes they made the first time around but things aren't so simple for me. I have a strict "No regret" policy because I know that even if a certain bad situation was magically turned to good, it doesn't mean I end up better. Maybe I end up worse, maybe it doesn't matter so it's just best to be happy things went the way they did.

This made me utterly terrified.

This is basically what happened when I "woke up" in the dream and realized where/when I was:

Since I've already learned all the lessons from my mistakes and retained that knowledge, does that mean it's ok to try another course of action? Since I still have the memories of the good times I had with some of my favorite people, times that were over before I woke up, is it ok to skip them this time and try something new? But how would that change their lives? I started to miss the people I technically hadn't met yet and some who had yet to be born.

Then I thought outside my world and realized I could stop 9/11...or I could let it happen and make sure I had proof of who was behind it...or both. I could change the world as I knew it.

But would it be better or worse?

I was terrified to do anything, to make any decisions or, god save me, speak to anyone. At any second, my "boyfriend" would walk into the room all happy to see me. I remember the abuse and the drugs and the manipulation and having to fly from PA to AZ at the drop of a hat to help axe his meth binge. But he doesn't because it hasn't happened yet. How can I possibly go with him to Phoenix and LIVE there? I tried to remember when Miriam left for Europe, a trip she invited me on and I turned down bc psycho bf begged me not to leave him. If she hasn't left yet, could that be my first change? I know I had her camera in the glovebox during the accident and I know Jared took pics with it while I slept so she's in town, right? So maybe I can go.

That's a pretty big change. Maybe start by joining a gym and keeping this weight off. I looked down at myself and I was still slim. That's good at least. Right? I don't even fucking know. I don't want to move or breathe or see. But I have no choice. I certainly don't intend to endure his torture again. After 10 yrs I was still not fully over it so I certainly can't deal with it again.

Fuck! What do I do?! I'm rambling and panicking. I don't even know how to get a hold of Miriam. I sure as fuck don't remember her number and I sure as shit don't have an iPhone 4 to find it. She would be the only one who would believe me and I wouldn't even attempt to tell anyone else. I'm also in a hospital in fucking Blythe, CA in the middle of the fucking desert that I flipped the damn car in so any perceived mental illness on my part will warrant more testing on their part, assuming I was injured. Maybe I was. Maybe I'm supposed to get more thoroughly tested and find something they didn't find the first time.

Now I'm just being silly. Right? I can't go through my whole life questioning every move and its impact on my future. Technically my entire future-past disappeared the second I woke up. Right? I wish I knew why I was here or at least whether I was supposed to change anything or not. Or if I'm supposed to go global with my change or stick to my own life.

Ask and ye shall receive.

My pants on the table signal a new text message. I hop up and start towards my pants when it hits me: that's my iPhone. My iPhone that hasn't been invented yet. *pinch* Still here. I turn around, use my voice, manipulate random objects within my reach; it all seems real. I sift through my blood-stained clothes and grab my phone.

How.The.Fuck?

The text is from Miriam. Future Miriam? This discovery has completely, 100%, fucked my whole world up. And seeing as how I just woke up10yrs in the past, fucking my whole world up after that discovery takes a shitload of talent. But in the last 10mins there were really only two plausible explanations for my trip back in time: 1) I never lived all that and it was just a vivid dream from the accident. Maybe it's not even Jan 14, 2001. Maybe I've been in a coma. 2) Time has been erased, everyone's gone back but not everyone knows. Or maybe they do? I'll have to leave the hospital to find out. Unfortunately, neither of these explanations left room for the possibility that I traveled with a technological companion. WTF is this? Quantum Leap? At keast this tells me my visit was orchestrated but what the fuck happens if someone sees this?! #1 priority, never let anyone find this.
Suddenly I feel hunted. Like at any moment a pack of beagles will come charging down the hallway and into my room cornering me until their well-dressed, mounted masters trot in to serve me my sentence.

But for what offense?

And for the love of god, who is my phone plan through? Do I pay a bill? WTF? Why am I thinking about my phone bill when the phone has 9yrs before it gets fucking INVENTED. Also, I'm back in FUCKING TIME; there are bigger fish to fry than my cell phone bill. Yet some part of me is actually concerned about logistics as if worrying about the existence of my unlimited data package is going to help me figure out why I'm here.  If the 2011 I knew still exists, am I there? Am I getting the same calls? If I call someone do I call 2011 or 2001? I have to sit down. I haven't even looked at what Miriam's text says. It would probably help me answer some of those questions but I'm not sure I'm ready to look.

Then it happens.

Jared comes hopping in the doorway, just as I remember he used to do. From what he's saying it seems as though it's just the same as last time - no coma. It's just Jan 14, 2011. I want to vomit. The butterflies are too much. Jared didn't ask me any questions but every move I make both asks and answers all at once but I don't know what the question is or if I answered correctly. I begin to pass out but shake myself out of it. The last thing I need is more attention.

If I'm going to make it, I need to learn to keep it together. The first time I went through this the accident barely phased me. Sure, my head is swollen to the size of a watermelon and in 2 days my eyes will be swollen shut but it wasn't a big deal because I was alive. Now I have no idea what I am.

Fuck...Am I alive?

Jared is talking to me but I can't for the life..or whatever...of me stand looking at him. The idea that I might not actually be alive is sounding plausible. Did I really just say that? Technically I've been returned to the most carefree point in my life. In 2 days I become an EarthLink employee and will be for another 3 gloriously odd years. Is this my heaven? Really? Nah. Right? Couldn't be. Could it? I need to find some sort of way to organize my thoughts. First, stop thinking.


And then I wake up. No wonder I felt off all damn day.

It unfortunately left me with a million questions I didn't even need to answer. My past is solid and I'm happy with where I am so that should be that...right? But perhaps looking at this scenario might help me better understand my future. I might just try to continue the story.

I See You

I see you when you invite me into your dreams; a playland where we toy with the idea of us. I see you in the memories of smiles we met and laughter we wooed into coming home with us like an innocent ménage à trois. But when my eyes open, I do not see you. When my eyes skim the length of my arm I do not see your hand at the end, holding mine. So why is it that I can still hear you breathing? Why can I see sense your presence, just outside my reach? Are you lingering because you choose to or because I wish you to choose to?

.

Bitter Cold

I passed the scrolling marquee on the circle for one of the TV stations and it was reporting "BITTER COLD" today. You know what, TV station? I don't appreciate you labeling it "bitter". "Bitter cold" is subjective so it means something different to everyone. Maybe it's 30°F to a Californian, maybe it's -30°F to a Minnesotan; who knows! It's BITTER!

Just give us the facts and we'll take care of the interpretation. Tell me it's 7°F and I'll make my own decisions about how I feel about that number and its affect on my appendages. Maybe I don't want you influencing how I feel about the temperature. Maybe if you hadn't said "bitter cold" I might think "Shit, it's cold but it's not too cold, I guess". But now I have it in my head that it's bitter. MAYBE I FEEL COLDER NOW! See what you've done? You've actually made it colder. Good job, asshole.

Self psych! My secret to happiness.

One of the things I do to keep myself sane (I use that term loosely, of course), especially during stressful times, is talk to myself. Out loud, usually in the car. But not just talking to myself really. I imagine I'm at a shrink's office and I'm telling them everything. Then I imagine what that person, an outsider and a logical thinker with no emotional ties, might feel about what I said. Of course it's not a real Dr's mind I'm using, it's my way of giving my logical brain and my emotional brain separate bodies so they can brainstorm and logical brain gets to be the Dr. As dumb as it sounds, it is immensely effective.

You might think "Well, I have those kinds of conversations in my head, too. Everyone does." but I don't mean in your head. You have to actually SAY it out loud. Logical brain can be in your head but emotional brain must talk out loud because emotional brain is usually the one with the irrational thoughts. When you say your emotional thoughts out loud and are forced to find words to describe them, you not only get a better grasp of what you're feeling, you can also hear how stupid these thoughts are sometimes :)

My preferred place to do this is in the car. I commute about 1.5-2hrs a day and I drive to IL (2.5-3hrs) on many weekends so I have plenty of time to talk to myself (and I often use the whole time) but wherever you can go and be alone is fine.

I can't express here exactly how well this works once you really get the hang of it. At first it seems so silly and you feel downright psycho but after a few "sessions" you start feeling better. After that you start getting good ideas and making discoveries. Your logical brain and emotional brain start to work together instead of one insisting on taking the spotlight. After a while you start to deal with emotional situations much more efficiently and effectively.

Unfortunately, it does not always alleviate the pain. I wish it did. It helps to manage it but nothing can make the pain go away sometimes and really, you have to feel it so you can fully understand it and how it affects your life. Sometimes when you try to prevent yourself from feeling hurt or abandoned or cheated or you pretend you don't hurt when you do, it robs you of seeing where that pain affects your life. It can affect how you relate to people, how you feel about yourself, the things you say, the things you do...and you don't even know it sometimes.

My little crazy method may not work for you, but it has changed my life and I wanted to share it in case it changes yours.

Stupid scale

First off, I know I shouldn't be even looking at a scale. I know the weight isn't the important thing, it's getting in shape.

Other than this shape.

And I'm definitely working on the getting in shape thing. I'm going to the gym at least 3 times a week and I'm being mindful of what I eat. My major goal right now is to get my cardio endurance up, then I'll add weight training as well. But you can't quantify carido endurance. I know I'm not suffocating on the elliptical anymore, but that's just not as tangible as numbers. I like numbers. The scale has numbers. Unfortunately, the scale is also a lying whore that cannot be trusted. So why to I even bother?!

Two months ago I was 295 (according to the Dr's scale) and three weeks ago I was 280 (according to my parents' scale). I then obtained my scale last week I was 270 and Tuesday night I was 278. Thursday morning I was 265. Seriously? 13lbs in one day? I suspect you are DUMB. I know you're heavier at night than you are post-pee in the morning but I know damn well I didn't piss 13lbs.

So I will continue to step on that stupid scale, if not for any other reason than making sure I don't gain weight (excluding post-plateau weight training muscle gain).

Here's a fun graphic.

 

Extremes are almost always wrong.

If you know me at all you've probably heard me mention my complete and utter lack of motivation. And even worse than having no motivation is having no motivation because you're content with your broken life. How ridiculous is that? "Hi, I'm fat and alone and totally cool with it! YAY!"

I'm happy because that's not a fat roll, it's where I store my awesome.

At least once a year in grade school there was someone - teacher, parent or speaker - who talked about the importance of having self confidence, about feeling good about who you are. When you have self confidence the world becomes unicorns, rainbows, butterflies and kitten kisses.

 My life thanks to self confidence

Yeah. That's not true. Now I'm an adult who has issues to fix but isn't upset enough about those issues to produce the give-a-shit necessary to fix them. So in my 29yrs on this earth I have set but one goal: be a mom. Not only is this is a pretty important goal, it's also one that is extremely complicated and, pun intended, is like putting all your eggs in one basket. The success of my life balances on one goal. Possibly not the smartest thing but I tell myself I'm focused.

 When I focus, I'm Asian

Other people tell me I'm a failure for not having a constant stream of goals. These are people who set up a moderately difficult but achievable goal and when they make it, they immediately set another goal further out. They say it's called improving their life and making themselves better. I say it's setting yourself up to never be satisfied with life. Not that it's much better than having one goal so complicated that it might never happen. But to me, setting a higher goal once your last goal is achieved undermines the importance of making that goal so in some way, you never really achieved anything. It's like a gameshow with infinite rounds - it doesn't matter how much money or how many points you accrue because you never get to take it home...you just never win.

 They have to run out of puzzles eventually...right?

I've often wondered if the side you fall on is related to your outward look on life. I'm a big picture kind of person and unlike most people, I'll wait for something bigger rather than take a smaller reward that comes immediately. Studies show humans are mostly wired for instant gratification and I can see how that need would spark the desire to have an endless stream of smaller goals so you're constantly being rewarded for something.

I hope you choose better rewards. Dog biscuits taste awful. Not that I ate one. I 

just asked my dog. I know I don't HAVE a dog but...you know what? Just stop judging me.

For me, a life filled with contentment masking the buildup of anticipation over the hopefully looming goal is just what I need. The idea of holding that baby boy (*fingers crossed*) and knowing that the rest of my life is the reward of achievement makes the quiet suffering worth every second. The thought of someday meeting my pièce de résistance is much more exciting than a constant stream of inferior joys. But because of this anticipation, I want to prepare my life for its possibility so I'm ready at a moment's notice.

Babies just show up, right?

Hopefully I will eventually find that happy medium where I have a nice balance of motivation and contentment and I can have my unicorns, rainbows, butterflies and kitten kisses. :)

Pleasantly Surprised

Now, I understand this is week 3 and that it always seems easy at first but this dieting/exercising shit is way easier than I anticipated. The reason I'm still optimistic about it even though it's in its infancy is because I am a creature of habit a little more so than the average person. Many people keep on a routine because something motivates them. I do not have this thing which we call "motivation". I get spurts of it and I have to use those spurts to get me into a routine or I'm fucked once the motivation wears off. In the first week I successfully used my motivation to buy a gym membership, refill my scripts, GO to the gym, get used to eating better/less and feel comfortable, not restricted, by my new routine. That's one hell of an accomplishment, I think.

So I'm enjoying the gym. Quite a lot actually. I joined in Jan 2009 and I loved it but stopped because I was demotivated (sabotaged!) by the situations at hand at that point in time. But I did enjoy exercising. Because of those situations, I had a LOT of frustration and downright ANGER to work out and I found that going nuts on an elliptical did wonders for my mental health as well as my physical health. I also found out that I get used to working out a lot faster than I anticipated. So in all, I really enjoyed it and thank god, that is still the case. Now I don't really have the plethora of anger or frustration but it's still just as satisfying. I had to give up the elliptical for cycling because I put on about 40lbs since my previous gym tenure and I'm in much worse shape because of it but I'm getting used to that pretty quickly too so I'm hoping to move back up to the elliptical this week.

In a nutshell, this is my starter plan. It may not be "right" but it's right for me and that's what matters right now. I'll tweek it as I move along.

Gym 3x/wk (cardio) - add 5mins every visit
Use my calorie tracker to keep myself within range
Try to eat throughout the day but if I can't stomach it, at least drink a Slimfast.
Eat foods high in good fats, fiber, OMEGA 3s & vitamins/minerals.
Eat more raw food
Learn to love fish :)

That's pretty much it. The key factor that makes this a successful plan is that it's 1) Better than what I was doing, 2) It's not too painful so I'll actually stick to it.

I also need to purchase a scale. I used the one at my parents' house and then I used the one at Bruce's house (which might be mine...I can't remember) and if those are to be believed, I have lost 20lbs. I'm just really skeptical and I think it would be best to use just one scale.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

First of all, I suck at blogging, which is pretty apparent given I haven't blogged in a MONTH. But in my defense it's been one hell of a month! Which leads us to the purpose behind this entry: I am so goddamn happy that I have to blog it.

:)

As my birthday approached, I, as most people do, began to analyze my progress in life. For the first time ever, I was more than pleased with what I found. Do I have everything I ever wanted? No; in fact the "most important" things are missing but those are things I do not have full control over. What I do have control over is me and I've seen myself grow out of a lot of bad habits...bad habits that caused me a lot of pain and suffering. I still have a lot left but I am definitely working on those as well.

It's impossible for me to adequately express how I'm feeling about my life right now. I have no way to quantify anything and a qualitative analysis would be entirely subjective and may not translate to others. I could list all the things I feel I've accomplished but what good would that do when most people don't value what I value and may not see what I see?

The best way I can describe how I'm feeling is FREE. I feel free and invincible, as though I've learned to shield myself from the things that normally weigh people down so not only am I light enough to fly but I'm immune to being caught. I hope that makes sense to you because it makes sense to me and it's the only way I know how to tell you. I wish everyone could feel this good.

I feel fine...

Actually I feel more than fine :) Autumn always gives me this giddy energy that I can't recreate no matter how I try. It's the kind of inspiring feeling that makes me nostalgic and I'd guess that's probably because the changing leaves, crisp air, Halloween on the horizon and beautiful storm clouds always just a breath away were what I missed the most about home when I went to college and what I think of when I remember home.

I'm not really home...yet...but it reminds me of how close I am. Close enough to smell it. I go through my life and I realize how much I've done in the last 11 years. I feel successful because I have so many stories to tell and that makes me feel like I've really lived my life. I may not always be responsible and I may not have the savings I should have or the house and husband but what I do have is a story about repoing cars in one of the most dangerous areas of LA. I have a stories about strippers, drugs and massages. I have stories I made on the East coast, stories I made on the West coast, stories I made in the Southwest and stories I made in the Midwest. Some stories are hilarious, some degrading, some sad and some heartwarming.

All those stories, all those mistakes, all those milestones...they've all combined to make me feel satisfyingly accomplished. They make me feel like the only thing I haven't done is go home.

Immortality

An article on my favorite website makes very valid points about how much immortality would suck...eventually. Here's the short list:

5) Evolution would turn you into a freak
4) No one could find out or you'd likely be locked up as a case study
3) Your MIND is still aging
2) Time speeds up until you're insane
1) You'll Eventually Get Trapped Somewhere (Forever)

While these things are largely unavoidable because, well, when you live forever, nothing is really avoidable, I think there are ways to make the best of the situation. While I was walking around the server cage today, I think I came up with a way to get the most out of immortality: NASA.

Don't ask me what the hell I was doing that would cause me to be thinking about immortality while I was checking for server problems because I couldn't tell you anyway.

But really, think about it. You spend your time studying with NASA - learning physics, biology, engineering and pretty much every other god damn thing. You'd have to have a decent mental capacity, but whatever you lack in that department is helped by the fact that you have NOTHING BUT TIME. So after you are the smartest god damn person at NASA, knowing a combination of everyone's jobs, you set off for space. Deep space. After all the time it took you to learn everything, technology would have advanced greatly and also, you know everything about rocket science so you probably have come up with some sweet ideas on your own to solve that "we don't have enough fuel on Earth to pack into a bloody space ship so it can reach deep space" thing. Hell, you can probably take raw materials and build a nuclear reactor. And while you're traveling up, out and away, you can string along some communications equipment so you can still talk to Earth. Also so you don't miss Big Brother 487.

So let's take this one by one:

5) You're in deep space...you're already a freak. Anything you run into is going to think you're a freak. But best of all, it's a fucking freak, too. Yeah, Earthlings are evolving and if you ever do return home it's entirely possible the human race will be different but you'll be RETRO and retro is always in style.

4) Well, you'd have to tell NASA but I'm sure they would be able to hide your secret. Every 40yrs they throw you a retirement party and hire a "new" guy which is you with a spiffy new identity. Or they just never put you on the roster to begin with.

3) This is a bummer but since you'll be focused on your task at hand, you should be able to stave off the ill effects of having 150yrs of memories and counting.

2) This will actually work in your favor in a vast, empty and possibly desolate space since everything is going to look the same and you're not going to be able to see a sunrise/sunset.

1) This is the ultimate bummer but hopefully you'll only be trapped in your spacecraft. Hell, technically if you're immortal, you shouldn't NEED a spacecraft...but without one you would need a REALLY BIG fannypack to carry all your supplies in. Which leads me to this point...

...Space could possibly be the only solution to immortality. It all depends on how you define "immortality". In some iterations the person's body is immune to damage - walking through flames unscathed. In others their body can be killed but it remains animated. But what if you have NO OXYGEN? All the scenarios of immortality that have been portrayed in cinema or in books, to my knowledge, have only addressed immortality in humans ON EARTH. Or on another planet or place made for human life. Our bodies need oxygen...but yet we need to eat to metabolize and many immortal beings didn't need to eat. *shrug* We're going to have to get some solid rules on this.

Regardless of whether the vacuum of space can be the final solution to immortality or not, if you're immortal, I think you should really take one for the team and launch out there. We'll give you a ship, tons of radio equipment and HOPE. Fly, my immortal friend. Fly.

Signs, signs, everywhere the signs...

I'm not huge on astrology but I occasionally run across things and read because I'm open to the idea that it ("it" pertaining mostly to the part that talks about your sign and personality, not the horoscope part) might have scientific basis we just haven't discovered yet. As I get older the description of my sign becomes more and more accurate. Of course, this begs the question "Am I getting more like it because I subconsciously remember what it says or is it because I was really building to this the whole time?". I honestly don't think I could subconsciously coordinate my life events and lessons around an astrological reading I don't fully remember, but hey, that's just as possible as my personality being pre-determined by the alignment of the stars at my birth, right?

My birthday is Oct 20 so I'm a Libra on the Scorpio cusp. Pretty much every word of this is true...

Libra/Scorpio
October 19 to October 23

Libra is the seventh sign of the zodiac; Scorpio is the eighth. After Libra's intellectual exploration of other people, Scorpio's interest is in discovering other people's emotions and how they respond to the world around them. Scorpio is the sign of sex and death, the beginning and ending, and they explore these ideas from an emotional standpoint. Libra/Scorpios strive to create balance and harmony between self and other through investigation and probing. They are often strongly intuitive and penetrating. They have a need to be liked.

The astrological symbol of Libra is the Scales. Like the scales of justice, Librans are objective and just. They abhor unfairness and conflict, striving above all for peace. Librans are able to see all sides of an argument, but as their mental scales sway back and forth, they may never find balance. The astrological symbol of Scorpio is the Scorpion. Like the mythical scorpion, those born under this sign tend to be strong-willed and wary of being controlled by others. In keeping with Libra's cardinal quality, Libra/Scorpios are diplomatic and cooperative; they are skilled at initiating group projects. They can be stubborn, refusing to give up when others have long since become bored and abandoned a project. 

Libra is ruled by the planet Venus. In ancient Roman mythology, Venus (and her Greek equivalent, Aphrodite) was the goddess of love, beauty and pleasure. She represented joy, happiness and appreciation of beautiful things. Scorpio is ruled by the planets Mars and Pluto. In ancient Roman mythology, Mars (and his Greek equivalent, Ares) was the god of war, and ancient astrologers assigned both Aries and Scorpio to this planet. Pluto (and his Greek equivalent, Hades) was the god of the underworld, and when the planet Pluto was discovered early in the 20th century, astrologers assigned Scorpio to it.

Libra/Scorpios are seductive and attractive, commanding and intense. Cultural awareness and a talkative nature help them shine in the social situations they so enjoy. The element associated with Libra is Air. The element associated with Scorpio is Water. Libra/Scorpios are skilled at communication and abstract reasoning, and their intelligence combines with their interest in others to become an intellectual exploration of those around them. They may repress their emotions, but underneath they are lusty and perceptive. Libra/Scorpios are loyal, but they are often misunderstood and may be seen as dictatorial or sarcastic. If they have an ulterior motive, they can be overbearing, but in a subtle, sly or manipulative way.

Words of Wisdom

First of all, who the hell am I to be posting words of wisdom? I have no idea, but people seem to dig them and they've helped me a lot in my life so hopefully they'll help someone else, too.

 

Regret

I always like to remind people that regret is useless because there's no way of knowing how things would have turned out. You might think sunshine and rainbows and unicorns would show up if a certain situation had been different but there's... no way of knowing. That situation might have been better but it might have led you down a path of much, much worse things.

I could be mad about my mom dying when I was 2. I could pretend things would be sunshine and daffodils but that's not reality. Reality is that her and my dad would have probably gotten a divorce eventually (according to my dad they had many different views on life) and since it would have been the 80s, I would have gone with my mom and not had the wonderful relationship with my dad that I developed because of her absence. My dad is who shaped who I am today so if she had survived, I'd be a totally different person and I don't like that thought bc I love who I am.

So you can believe that holding on to the familiar is best because it's warm and fuzzy, like having a mom, but it's not always the best for you. Warm and fuzzy doesn't make strong, well-rounded people.

Self Image & First Impressions

Simply: People will believe about you what YOU believe about you. You know yourself better than anyone else does and if you don't think you're worth anything, why should anyone else? Conversely, if you have confidence in who you are, people will assume there must be a reason for this. There are a lot of really great people out there who have shitty self-images and consequently they end up missing out on a lot of friends because people don't give them the time of day and they don't give them the time of day because the person emits an aura of "I'm nothing special".

On the other hand, there are people out there who are loved by everyone who first meets them because they're charismatic, outgoing, confident, etc. Then they get to know the person and realize they're full of shit, so clearly what you believe of yourself doesn't maintain people's view of you but it's the difference between getting a chance to shine and never getting your switch flipped.

Dealing with Life

This is my main motto for life and it serves me well on a daily basis: You can either control a situation or you can't. If you can, do it. If you can't, stop worrying about it.

Now, I'm not saying you're not allowed to be emotionally affected because if you deny yourself that, you're just plain in denial. Feel hurt, feel confused, feel abandoned and lost and ignored and tormented. Feel everything, understand why you feel that way, understand what you can of the situation and move on. If you spend a minute worrying about something you have no control over, it's a minute wasted.

Communication

I can't think of a single thing on earth that is more important between two people than good communication, regardless of their relationship with each other. While at work one day, my buddy, Kevin, was talking to his then girlfriend on the phone and summed up communication perfectly: If you don't say what you mean, you don't get what you want.

I now say this phrase weekly, at least. So many people play games with their words and rarely do their words match their desires. Miscommunication is rarely malicious but it has unwanted consequences nonetheless. If I ask you something, I want the truth. I do not want you to tell me whatever it is you think I want to hear.

Revive the Radio!

I.Despise.Radio.

I despise radio because it's worthless or rather because it used to be ENTERTAINING and now is not used to it's full potential. In the early days of the 20th century and through WWII, the radio was THE thing to have. For many during the Great Depression, it was their only lifeline to sanity. Music began to be spirited and free, just as we did the same and not only did the radio provide these swingin' tunes, but it also brought amazingly popular comedy shows, dramatic story readings and music LIVE from a little studio. You could hear actors portray thrilling tales of mystery and intrigue, followed by an hour of silly stories with funny sound effects made from pots, washboards and sheets of metal. In between shows, commercials were read live by live people.

I guess what I'm saying is that back in the day, radio had PEOPLE...and LIFE. Radio now is what you listen to in the car to find out where crashes are, drone out the sounds of passing cars and be inundated with ridiculous and repetitive commercials for things no one cares about (I'm talking to YOU, ShaneCo).

I would LOVE, love, love to resurrect the old fashioned radio shows. Live actors, live musicians, creativity. I think we could all use a little more life and creativity as opposed to stale repetition.

So it begins!

I used to maintain a blog on MySpace. Mostly it just irritated people because I was a whiny bitch and have a habit of rambling *gasp* I know...it's shocking. Given my penchant for superfluous verbiage, there was an almost comfort in the limited character length of status messages once I moved to Facebook. Sure, there are the "Notes" on Facebook but really, who uses those? I'll post up one of those surveys (to which I can easily become addicted) but always saved my opinions and updates for status messages. I think this was a learning experience for me, teaching me how to choose my words carefully in order to convey the same message but in 420 characters instead of 42,000.

Now I'm going to go ahead and undo that with a blog.

Actually, I'm hoping to retain a little more class than my previous blog had. We'll see how long that lasts.