2011, I owe you an apology

Look, we haven't really gotten along the last month or so but you have given me some wonderful things. After lashing out at you today, I think I should make it up to you by listing the things you've given me.

From beginning to end, you have been a journey of personal exploration. I started reserved and unwilling to leave my personal space. Right away you whisked me into the fast lane and let me go crazy. Then you gave me an opportunity to answer some long-standing questions with a relatively quick turnaround giving me a freedom I cannot begin to measure.

This personal journey and the answered questions gave me closure on an open wound allowing me to remove the pox that caused it. It was hard and it still hurts but I know it was the right thing to do. Hopefully 2012 will see the removal of the scars it left behind.

I got to travel to Jamaica to be beside my best friend, my anam cara, as she got married to an awesome man, something I have waited for for 11yrs and would have never forgiven myself for missing. The trip allowed me to relax and get to know her family, her husband and the other wonderful friends who came to help celebrate her wedding and her brother's wedding. It was an experience I will never forget.

I was able to get my hands on the diaries of my late mother which inspired me to reunite with my uncles and cousins and even an old friend and flame of my mother's. It's the first time in my memory where I spent time with blood relatives and I learned that blood is a much larger factor in personality and behavior than I ever would have guessed before.

I exercised my sexy muscles, perhaps a bit too much in some people's eyes but in doing so I ended up in one of the most perfect sexlationships imaginable, schtooped a guy who will be in 2 major movies of 2012, had a few 3somes, made some dirty movies, got it on with someone dressed like 47 (Hitman) while I was dressed as Betty Page, had sex in my Star Trek dress while watching Star Trek, buggered a spartan soldier while I was in a bitchin' toga, rocked my bed 4ft across my room and broke it in the process, and lost a significant portion of my knee (which is now a rad scar) in a couch sexcapade caused by drinking a liter of jellybean vodka. AND I WOULDN'T CHANGE A GOD DAMN THING. Whore? Fuck, maybe. But I did it all for the right reason: because I wanted to. Not because I had anything to prove or because I thought my actions could fill some void. I just wanted to have some fun, make some noise and write some stories in my life. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right! One of these days I might just meet a dude and end up fucking the same person the rest of my life but that day didn't come this year! :)

I met a lot of really amazing people. Between them all I received an indescribable surge of physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual stimulation, endless amusement and even more self discovery which I think is probably the best gift you've given me. My favorite part about meeting people is learning from them. I wish I could go into detail for everyone but I'd be here all damn night so here is a shortened list (in absolutely no particular order).

• Latisha is my first woman friend+ and she's awesome. I'm happy to know her and I am definitely happy to see her naked :) 

• Adam got me out of my shell a bit and reminded me there are a lot of positions you can put a fat girl in! 

• Chris reminded me how fun and rewarding seemingly poor decisions can be

• Alicia proves that I'm not the only sexy redheaded nerd with a passion for Star Trek out there and there's no damn shame in it :)
  

• Kyle reminded me of the person in my core that I had needlessly left behind years ago and that I'm not alone in many of my thoughts
  

• Matt (N) taught me that rednecks can be pretty fun, especially when it comes to playing  Jen's vagina :) We'll see how much he likes me after NYE at his house!
  

• Connie proves to me that my troubles, although crazy, are unfortunately not unique. Someone with a life that almost parallels my own could be 1 degree of separation away. Never feel like you suffer alone.
  

• Dustin (R) fed my longing for intellectual stimulation and gave me someone to whom I could tell my crazy secrets and be understood; a perfect followup to Kyle who had opened those rusted doors. 

• Steph showed me that it's not only possible to have an AMAZING time with someone you just met but also that it's totally acceptable for white girls to rap. 

• Cody taught me that I have a much bigger impact on people than I realize and I should never take that for granted.

And of course there were great experiences with people I already knew :)

• Amanda was a burst of life, spunk and adventure in Jamaica. I certainly wish we could hang out more.

• David reminded me of how important it is to get to know everyone. We share so much in common and never knew it.

• Amy proved that time apart cannot change the amount of trouble two old friends can get in :)

• Erin not only demonstrated the quickest way to end up face first in a canoe, but also how amazingly strong she is; an exceedingly admirable trait.

• JC, Jim, Elise, Kelli, JK, Smitty and the whole cabrewing crew helped me realize how important it is to check the water level before canoeing, how much more awesome kayaks are than canoes, the importance of holding onto your paddles and how unimaginably awesome cabrewing is. Hopefully in the future I don't get a massive fever as soon as we get back to camp.

• Caralyn and Aimee literally saved my god damn life when I got trapped under water between a canoe and a tree. I was previously unaware that trees were a hazard when canoeing. I'm aware now. And I still have the bruise almost 6mos later. No shit.

• Watching superhero movies with Jen & Caralyn :)

• Doing the Hustle after failing to recruit Russell at the Sandpiper and losing my voice

• Getting shushed at a trashy dive bar while recounting tales of debauchery and rapping with Aimee, Erin & Steph and then chasing those assholes out of the bar

• Misc chats with the best roommate I've ever had and could have ever asked for, Matt House.

• I've spent more time talking to old friends like Dustin (B) and Gordon and got to do a quick catchup with Brady, Kevin, Karley, Tanner and Emily who I miss dearly.

And last, but certainly not least, I've enjoyed time spent with my family. We're not too exciting and we usually just hang around the house but I always feel relaxed and at home with them. Where most people would dread staying in a log cabin in the woods 20mins from anything with their family, I look forward to it. Unless we're iced in ;)

So, 2011, you had a lot of bullshit but that's a pretty good list of awesome stuff so it was worth it in the end.

And to everyone in this note, I'm happy to know you and even if I won't be with you at the stroke of midnight, or ever again, I will be thinking about you and I will be thankful for each and every one of you. You're all very special to me in your own ways and I love you. Thank you for the memories and I hope we can make some more in 2012 :)

For those I forgot to mention, it's not necessarily because I don't love you, we'll just need to work harder this year ;)

Lions

There are 2 types of people in a ring with lions

1) Those eaten by lions
2) Those taming lions


Lions are dangerous creatures. They are primal and brutal, swift and fierce, and unless tamed, they give you two options: kill or be killed.Their fur can be stained red with the blood of their prey and why? Because fuck you, that's why. They are as majestic in their wild state as they are dangerous. People who become dinner guests of lions are either those who think they are better than the lions or people attempting to avoid them. But no matter whether you are "better" than a lion, you are never better than more than one lion. And you cannot avoid lions in the ring because that is simply choosing to spend the next 3 seconds of your life (all that remains of it) oblivious to the majesty of your situation.

What lion?

When we say a lion has been tamed, it is not that the tamer has removed the wild nature of the beasts but that he has reached an agreement with the beasts. Both sides have recognized the awesome power of the other and learned to live in compromise; both benefiting from the nature of the other by learning to understand each other. The tamer faces the possibility of being torn apart; every day knowing that this may be the day the lions get the better of him and resolving to keep his eyes open and his mind clear. But the thrill of facing the danger every day is worth the scars a thousand times over. To look this menace in the eyes and KNOW it, this is a gift most men will never know.

Except this guy who has balls the size of the moon.

The truth is, we are all in the ring with lions. Every day there are lions circling us, waiting to either eat us alive or rough us up with their affections. These lions are inside our minds, roaming the plains of our souls. They are our insecurities, our fears and our love and we can either tame them or be eaten by them.

Maybe I'm the lazy one

Well, it's been over 10 months since I wrote anything. If I'm to be honest, the reason is because I'm not sure anyone is listening. Certainly no one said anything about my absence. Yet, I, unlike most, am the sharing sort. I like to express my thoughts and emotions, make them visible and almost tangible as I gather them up from the inside and place them neatly in view. Having to put everything down in words helps me define my feelings and become familiar with them. It helps me learn to communicate, even if only with myself. It's how I deal.

So it doesn't really matter if anyone hears me as long as I get to say it.

Recently I expressed myself on Facebook but it always feels wrong to get so personal there. It's not that I care about people hearing my personal feelings but I feel like the venue just isn't the right one, which brings me back here. Here people can choose to view or not and Facebook can be left as a social networking tool for funny videos and political discourse.

Musicians are getting lazy on lyrics and we just eat it right up

This makes me even more angry because I like these songs and the stupid lyrics are easily avoidable.

Bruno Mars, "Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, had your eyes wide open. Why were they open?" 
First, I have a problem with the logistics of this statement. How the hell do you know she was kissing with her eyes open if you didn't have your eyes open too? Was there a group of people watching you? Maybe. I'll let that go.

My main problem is that this statement is lazy and repetitive. When I listen to this song, because I do like it, I say "...had your eyes wide open. Who fucking does that?" It's different, sticks to the idea and I like saying fuck.

Black Eyed Peas, namely Fergie "I was born to get wild! That's my style! If you didn't know that, Well, baby, now you know now".

First of all, that statement is just plain dumb. The statement adds nothing to the song. It's fluff and not the good kind of fluff certain actors get from runaways and aspiring actresses. Just because you're BEP and you're awesome doesn't mean you can just drop the fucking ball. If you've run out of ideas, just stop making albums. You have enough money to retire.

Secondly, "now you know now". Who wrote this? A 5 year old? Redundancy, party of 4, your table is ready. You already indicated that this event, which does not need to be stated in the first place, is happening now. "Just lettin' you know, now let's all go get down" would have been lame but acceptable. It wouldn't have made my fucking ears bleed. That wasn't hard, was it?

Seriously????

I try to make a reservation for Travelodge in Terra Haute. The site is down and it's the cheapest. I wait and wait and wait. Finally it comes back up, I click through, put all my info in, submit and it can't process it because the site is undergoing maintenance. You could have told me that prior to filling out my shit.

I wait. Hours later I fill it out all over again and am now greeted by a page simply telling me it has no fucking idea what I want.

I call the hotel's direct number and am told I have to call the main office to put in reservations. I do. The idiot I reach takes all my information and PUTS ME ON HOLD TO CALL THE HOTEL AND MAKE A RESERVATION because they are "upgrading their system".

In the middle of the day? No you aren't. You updated last night, completely fucked it up and are now trying to fix it. Whatever...call them.

After 4.5mins of Pachelbel's Canon in D minor he gets on the phone "I'm sorry Miss....Watson but the hotel is experiencing system issues, as are we here at the main office, so they could not take your reservation."

What? How the fuck could they "not take [my] reservation"? Do they not have a pen and a piece of fucking paper? Can they not write my fucking name on a god damn post-it note and stick it to the door of a non-smoking room with two beds? You know hotels predate computers, right? I'm fairly certain THIS hotel predates computers or at least the days when computers made their entrance into every business. You make me sick.

Pictured here: Indecipherable ancient communication

You know it's serious when I don't use a single swear word.

I question things a lot. Mostly myself...my motivations...my feelings. I'm fascinated by why people do what they do and I want all the data possible. It's how I managed to be so in tune with people's feelings. One reason at least. But since I don't really have people to "research" on a continual basis, I do it to myself. In many cases this has been an amazing blessing; carrying me through the most emotionally trying times of my life. It's allowed me to understand and deal with my feelings by only giving them the weight they deserve.

But other times, it's the proverbial curse to my blessing. The roughest time of my life to date ended around August 09 when I had gathered all the pieces and my broken heart finally began to mend. And not only did it begin to mend, it was like a light switched on and all of a sudden the path I couldn't find, the path to freedom and happiness, was there in front of me. I don't remember what day that was but I remember the day I knew that feeling was there to stay. And stay it has.

Over a year later I begin to question that so-called freedom and I wonder if maybe my heart never really mended but rather that I may have taken all the pieces, put them in a heart-shaped box and pretended that was the real thing, hiding the truth even from myself. My wondering started when I began thinking about dating again but the idea just isn't interesting. The only reason I've been thinking about it is because I have less than a year until I turn 30 and it's been, for all intents and purposes, over 7 years since I've been in a real, full-on relationship. I don't want to continue not caring and wake up one day and it's all too late.

But no matter how much I fear that, I still can't get myself to care about finding someone. That's when I started to doubt this sunshiny, flowery path and began to think that maybe I've concocted false happiness and contentment out of fear of being hurt again. Am I just keeping people at a distance? Consciously I am lonely and want nothing more than to have someone, but I'm uninterested in looking. I think about it and I think about what selection of men there will be, I immediately find these imaginary representations of men all inadequate. That's when I realize that I feel like I'll never find someone that perfect for me ever again and that causes me to ponder the possibility that I never found happiness; I only fabricated it.

This is a puzzle only I can solve and I think only time will give me the answers I need. In the mean time I've decided, because I find all the men in my mind to be inadequate, I should improve my body so it matches my self-image and maybe it will pull in someone I deem worthy...because I don't see my self-image lowering any time soon.

Why blog this? I don't know. I guess I just needed to tell someone.

"Listen close, I will not repeat myself"

This is an exchange over a friend's link posting. I've included his original post.

For those of you who have heard my webcam story, Robert was the guy who threw the "party"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Robert

That's right, do everything you can to get God out of your lives and off of your dirty money. But then when catastrophe strikes and your world caves in around you, ironically, who do you go whining to? Who is it that you beg for mercy?

God doesn't forget these things although he still loves you despite your arrogant ignorance.

In God ...I trust with my life,
Robert Welch

High court again asked to rule on 'In God We Trust'

www.azcentral.com

High court again asked to rule on 'In God We Trust', WASHINGTON - California attorney and dedicated atheist Michael Newdow is making another run at ''In God We Trust,'' with a new Supreme Court petition challenging the national motto.

3 hours ago

• • Emily Watson

    The separation of church & state is a major part of this country's identity & is its key to true individual freedom but Christianity still has a heavy, and in the eyes of many an unwelcome, hand in government. I do not trust in any god, let alone a Christian god and while I'm not bothered by the phrase appearing on money, it is a move that I feel needs to be made if we ever hope to honor the Constitution & fully sever church from state.
    
    Freedom of religion includes freedom from it.
    
    You don't need "In God we trust" on your money to maintain your faith and it's unfair to Americans who don't subscribe to monotheism to have the government salute it. At the same time, there's no loss of faith by removing it. It doesn't mean people believe any less it just means we believe in the Constitution & equality more than we used to which is good.

    
    

    2 hours ago
    
    
  • Dean

    There is a big differance between freedom OF religion and freedom FROM religion. The constitution grants us freedom of religion and a seperation of church and state. For those of you that are to stupid to know the true meening of those list...en close, I will not repeat myself.
    
    Freedom of religion. As American citizens we are free to warship the God of our choice, or none at all.
    
    Seperation of church and state. Congreess may pass no laws restricting ones freedom of religion.
    
    In God we trust on our money, 10 commandments in courthouses, nativity scenes and other such in NO WAY violate either.
    
    You have a right to offend me with your views, you also have a right to be offended by mine.

    
    

    48 minutes ago ·
    
  • Emily Watson

    I disagree but this is an interpretation issue. I see the endorsement of monotheism on our money and in our courthouses as a violation of the separation of church and state. While the First Amendment states simply "Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion nor prohibiting the free exercise thereof" the meaning of "establishment of religion" can be applied to the money/court issue by suggesting that the "In God We Trust" motto (and therefore our government who put it there) endorses monotheistic religions.
    
    I also feel that "freedom of religion" and "freedom from religion" are almost the same when it comes to this topic. I believe you might have misinterpreted my definition of "freedom from religion" though. What I mean is not that I should be shielded from any type of religion (an unrealistic idea and unfair to believers to expect them to worship in hiding), but rather that my government and everything that comes down to me from it should be free of religious imagery, endorsement or obligation.
    
    I'm sorry if you're offended by my views but I cannot afford you the same courtesy. I understand that there is no right or wrong answer here and therefore I am not offended by views that differ from my own. Since this is a matter that has no definitive right or wrong answer, the proper way to handle it is to appeal to the court system to make that decision by weighing its validity based on interpretation of the Constitution, as interpretation of the law is the Judicial branch's entire purpose. Whichever side loses the final battle needs to understand that the system worked as intended, whether they like it or not.
    
    I'm also sorry that you felt it necessary to not only resort to personal insults in your response but that you felt so strongly about needing to insult that you stuck it in the first paragraph. There's a certain irony to you calling me stupid (you can pretend you didn't mean me but you were retorting to no other) in a response laden with spelling errors on words we learned in 4th grade. Perhaps in future you will give your argument validity by not resorting to insults and instead present your case with respect, as I did mine.

    
    

    7 minutes ago