If you know me at all you've probably heard me mention my complete and utter lack of motivation. And even worse than having no motivation is having no motivation because you're content with your broken life. How ridiculous is that? "Hi, I'm fat and alone and totally cool with it! YAY!"
I'm happy because that's not a fat roll, it's where I store my awesome.
At least once a year in grade school there was someone - teacher, parent or speaker - who talked about the importance of having self confidence, about feeling good about who you are. When you have self confidence the world becomes unicorns, rainbows, butterflies and kitten kisses.
My life thanks to self confidence
Yeah. That's not true. Now I'm an adult who has issues to fix but isn't upset enough about those issues to produce the give-a-shit necessary to fix them. So in my 29yrs on this earth I have set but one goal: be a mom. Not only is this is a pretty important goal, it's also one that is extremely complicated and, pun intended, is like putting all your eggs in one basket. The success of my life balances on one goal. Possibly not the smartest thing but I tell myself I'm focused.
When I focus, I'm Asian
Other people tell me I'm a failure for not having a constant stream of goals. These are people who set up a moderately difficult but achievable goal and when they make it, they immediately set another goal further out. They say it's called improving their life and making themselves better. I say it's setting yourself up to never be satisfied with life. Not that it's much better than having one goal so complicated that it might never happen. But to me, setting a higher goal once your last goal is achieved undermines the importance of making that goal so in some way, you never really achieved anything. It's like a gameshow with infinite rounds - it doesn't matter how much money or how many points you accrue because you never get to take it home...you just never win.
They have to run out of puzzles eventually...right?
I've often wondered if the side you fall on is related to your outward look on life. I'm a big picture kind of person and unlike most people, I'll wait for something bigger rather than take a smaller reward that comes immediately. Studies show humans are mostly wired for instant gratification and I can see how that need would spark the desire to have an endless stream of smaller goals so you're constantly being rewarded for something.
I hope you choose better rewards. Dog biscuits taste awful. Not that I ate one. I
just asked my dog. I know I don't HAVE a dog but...you know what? Just stop judging me.
For me, a life filled with contentment masking the buildup of anticipation over the hopefully looming goal is just what I need. The idea of holding that baby boy (*fingers crossed*) and knowing that the rest of my life is the reward of achievement makes the quiet suffering worth every second. The thought of someday meeting my pièce de résistance is much more exciting than a constant stream of inferior joys. But because of this anticipation, I want to prepare my life for its possibility so I'm ready at a moment's notice.
Babies just show up, right?
Hopefully I will eventually find that happy medium where I have a nice balance of motivation and contentment and I can have my unicorns, rainbows, butterflies and kitten kisses. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment