You know it's serious when I don't use a single swear word.

I question things a lot. Mostly myself...my motivations...my feelings. I'm fascinated by why people do what they do and I want all the data possible. It's how I managed to be so in tune with people's feelings. One reason at least. But since I don't really have people to "research" on a continual basis, I do it to myself. In many cases this has been an amazing blessing; carrying me through the most emotionally trying times of my life. It's allowed me to understand and deal with my feelings by only giving them the weight they deserve.

But other times, it's the proverbial curse to my blessing. The roughest time of my life to date ended around August 09 when I had gathered all the pieces and my broken heart finally began to mend. And not only did it begin to mend, it was like a light switched on and all of a sudden the path I couldn't find, the path to freedom and happiness, was there in front of me. I don't remember what day that was but I remember the day I knew that feeling was there to stay. And stay it has.

Over a year later I begin to question that so-called freedom and I wonder if maybe my heart never really mended but rather that I may have taken all the pieces, put them in a heart-shaped box and pretended that was the real thing, hiding the truth even from myself. My wondering started when I began thinking about dating again but the idea just isn't interesting. The only reason I've been thinking about it is because I have less than a year until I turn 30 and it's been, for all intents and purposes, over 7 years since I've been in a real, full-on relationship. I don't want to continue not caring and wake up one day and it's all too late.

But no matter how much I fear that, I still can't get myself to care about finding someone. That's when I started to doubt this sunshiny, flowery path and began to think that maybe I've concocted false happiness and contentment out of fear of being hurt again. Am I just keeping people at a distance? Consciously I am lonely and want nothing more than to have someone, but I'm uninterested in looking. I think about it and I think about what selection of men there will be, I immediately find these imaginary representations of men all inadequate. That's when I realize that I feel like I'll never find someone that perfect for me ever again and that causes me to ponder the possibility that I never found happiness; I only fabricated it.

This is a puzzle only I can solve and I think only time will give me the answers I need. In the mean time I've decided, because I find all the men in my mind to be inadequate, I should improve my body so it matches my self-image and maybe it will pull in someone I deem worthy...because I don't see my self-image lowering any time soon.

Why blog this? I don't know. I guess I just needed to tell someone.