Self psych! My secret to happiness.

One of the things I do to keep myself sane (I use that term loosely, of course), especially during stressful times, is talk to myself. Out loud, usually in the car. But not just talking to myself really. I imagine I'm at a shrink's office and I'm telling them everything. Then I imagine what that person, an outsider and a logical thinker with no emotional ties, might feel about what I said. Of course it's not a real Dr's mind I'm using, it's my way of giving my logical brain and my emotional brain separate bodies so they can brainstorm and logical brain gets to be the Dr. As dumb as it sounds, it is immensely effective.

You might think "Well, I have those kinds of conversations in my head, too. Everyone does." but I don't mean in your head. You have to actually SAY it out loud. Logical brain can be in your head but emotional brain must talk out loud because emotional brain is usually the one with the irrational thoughts. When you say your emotional thoughts out loud and are forced to find words to describe them, you not only get a better grasp of what you're feeling, you can also hear how stupid these thoughts are sometimes :)

My preferred place to do this is in the car. I commute about 1.5-2hrs a day and I drive to IL (2.5-3hrs) on many weekends so I have plenty of time to talk to myself (and I often use the whole time) but wherever you can go and be alone is fine.

I can't express here exactly how well this works once you really get the hang of it. At first it seems so silly and you feel downright psycho but after a few "sessions" you start feeling better. After that you start getting good ideas and making discoveries. Your logical brain and emotional brain start to work together instead of one insisting on taking the spotlight. After a while you start to deal with emotional situations much more efficiently and effectively.

Unfortunately, it does not always alleviate the pain. I wish it did. It helps to manage it but nothing can make the pain go away sometimes and really, you have to feel it so you can fully understand it and how it affects your life. Sometimes when you try to prevent yourself from feeling hurt or abandoned or cheated or you pretend you don't hurt when you do, it robs you of seeing where that pain affects your life. It can affect how you relate to people, how you feel about yourself, the things you say, the things you do...and you don't even know it sometimes.

My little crazy method may not work for you, but it has changed my life and I wanted to share it in case it changes yours.

Stupid scale

First off, I know I shouldn't be even looking at a scale. I know the weight isn't the important thing, it's getting in shape.

Other than this shape.

And I'm definitely working on the getting in shape thing. I'm going to the gym at least 3 times a week and I'm being mindful of what I eat. My major goal right now is to get my cardio endurance up, then I'll add weight training as well. But you can't quantify carido endurance. I know I'm not suffocating on the elliptical anymore, but that's just not as tangible as numbers. I like numbers. The scale has numbers. Unfortunately, the scale is also a lying whore that cannot be trusted. So why to I even bother?!

Two months ago I was 295 (according to the Dr's scale) and three weeks ago I was 280 (according to my parents' scale). I then obtained my scale last week I was 270 and Tuesday night I was 278. Thursday morning I was 265. Seriously? 13lbs in one day? I suspect you are DUMB. I know you're heavier at night than you are post-pee in the morning but I know damn well I didn't piss 13lbs.

So I will continue to step on that stupid scale, if not for any other reason than making sure I don't gain weight (excluding post-plateau weight training muscle gain).

Here's a fun graphic.

 

Extremes are almost always wrong.

If you know me at all you've probably heard me mention my complete and utter lack of motivation. And even worse than having no motivation is having no motivation because you're content with your broken life. How ridiculous is that? "Hi, I'm fat and alone and totally cool with it! YAY!"

I'm happy because that's not a fat roll, it's where I store my awesome.

At least once a year in grade school there was someone - teacher, parent or speaker - who talked about the importance of having self confidence, about feeling good about who you are. When you have self confidence the world becomes unicorns, rainbows, butterflies and kitten kisses.

 My life thanks to self confidence

Yeah. That's not true. Now I'm an adult who has issues to fix but isn't upset enough about those issues to produce the give-a-shit necessary to fix them. So in my 29yrs on this earth I have set but one goal: be a mom. Not only is this is a pretty important goal, it's also one that is extremely complicated and, pun intended, is like putting all your eggs in one basket. The success of my life balances on one goal. Possibly not the smartest thing but I tell myself I'm focused.

 When I focus, I'm Asian

Other people tell me I'm a failure for not having a constant stream of goals. These are people who set up a moderately difficult but achievable goal and when they make it, they immediately set another goal further out. They say it's called improving their life and making themselves better. I say it's setting yourself up to never be satisfied with life. Not that it's much better than having one goal so complicated that it might never happen. But to me, setting a higher goal once your last goal is achieved undermines the importance of making that goal so in some way, you never really achieved anything. It's like a gameshow with infinite rounds - it doesn't matter how much money or how many points you accrue because you never get to take it home...you just never win.

 They have to run out of puzzles eventually...right?

I've often wondered if the side you fall on is related to your outward look on life. I'm a big picture kind of person and unlike most people, I'll wait for something bigger rather than take a smaller reward that comes immediately. Studies show humans are mostly wired for instant gratification and I can see how that need would spark the desire to have an endless stream of smaller goals so you're constantly being rewarded for something.

I hope you choose better rewards. Dog biscuits taste awful. Not that I ate one. I 

just asked my dog. I know I don't HAVE a dog but...you know what? Just stop judging me.

For me, a life filled with contentment masking the buildup of anticipation over the hopefully looming goal is just what I need. The idea of holding that baby boy (*fingers crossed*) and knowing that the rest of my life is the reward of achievement makes the quiet suffering worth every second. The thought of someday meeting my pièce de résistance is much more exciting than a constant stream of inferior joys. But because of this anticipation, I want to prepare my life for its possibility so I'm ready at a moment's notice.

Babies just show up, right?

Hopefully I will eventually find that happy medium where I have a nice balance of motivation and contentment and I can have my unicorns, rainbows, butterflies and kitten kisses. :)

Pleasantly Surprised

Now, I understand this is week 3 and that it always seems easy at first but this dieting/exercising shit is way easier than I anticipated. The reason I'm still optimistic about it even though it's in its infancy is because I am a creature of habit a little more so than the average person. Many people keep on a routine because something motivates them. I do not have this thing which we call "motivation". I get spurts of it and I have to use those spurts to get me into a routine or I'm fucked once the motivation wears off. In the first week I successfully used my motivation to buy a gym membership, refill my scripts, GO to the gym, get used to eating better/less and feel comfortable, not restricted, by my new routine. That's one hell of an accomplishment, I think.

So I'm enjoying the gym. Quite a lot actually. I joined in Jan 2009 and I loved it but stopped because I was demotivated (sabotaged!) by the situations at hand at that point in time. But I did enjoy exercising. Because of those situations, I had a LOT of frustration and downright ANGER to work out and I found that going nuts on an elliptical did wonders for my mental health as well as my physical health. I also found out that I get used to working out a lot faster than I anticipated. So in all, I really enjoyed it and thank god, that is still the case. Now I don't really have the plethora of anger or frustration but it's still just as satisfying. I had to give up the elliptical for cycling because I put on about 40lbs since my previous gym tenure and I'm in much worse shape because of it but I'm getting used to that pretty quickly too so I'm hoping to move back up to the elliptical this week.

In a nutshell, this is my starter plan. It may not be "right" but it's right for me and that's what matters right now. I'll tweek it as I move along.

Gym 3x/wk (cardio) - add 5mins every visit
Use my calorie tracker to keep myself within range
Try to eat throughout the day but if I can't stomach it, at least drink a Slimfast.
Eat foods high in good fats, fiber, OMEGA 3s & vitamins/minerals.
Eat more raw food
Learn to love fish :)

That's pretty much it. The key factor that makes this a successful plan is that it's 1) Better than what I was doing, 2) It's not too painful so I'll actually stick to it.

I also need to purchase a scale. I used the one at my parents' house and then I used the one at Bruce's house (which might be mine...I can't remember) and if those are to be believed, I have lost 20lbs. I'm just really skeptical and I think it would be best to use just one scale.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

First of all, I suck at blogging, which is pretty apparent given I haven't blogged in a MONTH. But in my defense it's been one hell of a month! Which leads us to the purpose behind this entry: I am so goddamn happy that I have to blog it.

:)

As my birthday approached, I, as most people do, began to analyze my progress in life. For the first time ever, I was more than pleased with what I found. Do I have everything I ever wanted? No; in fact the "most important" things are missing but those are things I do not have full control over. What I do have control over is me and I've seen myself grow out of a lot of bad habits...bad habits that caused me a lot of pain and suffering. I still have a lot left but I am definitely working on those as well.

It's impossible for me to adequately express how I'm feeling about my life right now. I have no way to quantify anything and a qualitative analysis would be entirely subjective and may not translate to others. I could list all the things I feel I've accomplished but what good would that do when most people don't value what I value and may not see what I see?

The best way I can describe how I'm feeling is FREE. I feel free and invincible, as though I've learned to shield myself from the things that normally weigh people down so not only am I light enough to fly but I'm immune to being caught. I hope that makes sense to you because it makes sense to me and it's the only way I know how to tell you. I wish everyone could feel this good.

I feel fine...

Actually I feel more than fine :) Autumn always gives me this giddy energy that I can't recreate no matter how I try. It's the kind of inspiring feeling that makes me nostalgic and I'd guess that's probably because the changing leaves, crisp air, Halloween on the horizon and beautiful storm clouds always just a breath away were what I missed the most about home when I went to college and what I think of when I remember home.

I'm not really home...yet...but it reminds me of how close I am. Close enough to smell it. I go through my life and I realize how much I've done in the last 11 years. I feel successful because I have so many stories to tell and that makes me feel like I've really lived my life. I may not always be responsible and I may not have the savings I should have or the house and husband but what I do have is a story about repoing cars in one of the most dangerous areas of LA. I have a stories about strippers, drugs and massages. I have stories I made on the East coast, stories I made on the West coast, stories I made in the Southwest and stories I made in the Midwest. Some stories are hilarious, some degrading, some sad and some heartwarming.

All those stories, all those mistakes, all those milestones...they've all combined to make me feel satisfyingly accomplished. They make me feel like the only thing I haven't done is go home.

Immortality

An article on my favorite website makes very valid points about how much immortality would suck...eventually. Here's the short list:

5) Evolution would turn you into a freak
4) No one could find out or you'd likely be locked up as a case study
3) Your MIND is still aging
2) Time speeds up until you're insane
1) You'll Eventually Get Trapped Somewhere (Forever)

While these things are largely unavoidable because, well, when you live forever, nothing is really avoidable, I think there are ways to make the best of the situation. While I was walking around the server cage today, I think I came up with a way to get the most out of immortality: NASA.

Don't ask me what the hell I was doing that would cause me to be thinking about immortality while I was checking for server problems because I couldn't tell you anyway.

But really, think about it. You spend your time studying with NASA - learning physics, biology, engineering and pretty much every other god damn thing. You'd have to have a decent mental capacity, but whatever you lack in that department is helped by the fact that you have NOTHING BUT TIME. So after you are the smartest god damn person at NASA, knowing a combination of everyone's jobs, you set off for space. Deep space. After all the time it took you to learn everything, technology would have advanced greatly and also, you know everything about rocket science so you probably have come up with some sweet ideas on your own to solve that "we don't have enough fuel on Earth to pack into a bloody space ship so it can reach deep space" thing. Hell, you can probably take raw materials and build a nuclear reactor. And while you're traveling up, out and away, you can string along some communications equipment so you can still talk to Earth. Also so you don't miss Big Brother 487.

So let's take this one by one:

5) You're in deep space...you're already a freak. Anything you run into is going to think you're a freak. But best of all, it's a fucking freak, too. Yeah, Earthlings are evolving and if you ever do return home it's entirely possible the human race will be different but you'll be RETRO and retro is always in style.

4) Well, you'd have to tell NASA but I'm sure they would be able to hide your secret. Every 40yrs they throw you a retirement party and hire a "new" guy which is you with a spiffy new identity. Or they just never put you on the roster to begin with.

3) This is a bummer but since you'll be focused on your task at hand, you should be able to stave off the ill effects of having 150yrs of memories and counting.

2) This will actually work in your favor in a vast, empty and possibly desolate space since everything is going to look the same and you're not going to be able to see a sunrise/sunset.

1) This is the ultimate bummer but hopefully you'll only be trapped in your spacecraft. Hell, technically if you're immortal, you shouldn't NEED a spacecraft...but without one you would need a REALLY BIG fannypack to carry all your supplies in. Which leads me to this point...

...Space could possibly be the only solution to immortality. It all depends on how you define "immortality". In some iterations the person's body is immune to damage - walking through flames unscathed. In others their body can be killed but it remains animated. But what if you have NO OXYGEN? All the scenarios of immortality that have been portrayed in cinema or in books, to my knowledge, have only addressed immortality in humans ON EARTH. Or on another planet or place made for human life. Our bodies need oxygen...but yet we need to eat to metabolize and many immortal beings didn't need to eat. *shrug* We're going to have to get some solid rules on this.

Regardless of whether the vacuum of space can be the final solution to immortality or not, if you're immortal, I think you should really take one for the team and launch out there. We'll give you a ship, tons of radio equipment and HOPE. Fly, my immortal friend. Fly.